


i've been meaning to tell you.

by evadings



Category: Multi-Fandom, SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Aquaphobia, Domestic Violence, Gen, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Infidelity, Instances of Classism, Instances of Misogyny, Internalized Homophobia, One instance of nearly drowning, Relationships will be updated as the fic progresses!, Underage Drinking, but they are mentioned throughout the fic, i will be tagging them in the notes beforehand unless they're only talking about it, mention of suicide, most of these are just small instances tbh, no graphic sex scenes whatsoever until joshua is in college
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29875320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evadings/pseuds/evadings
Summary: Joshua Hong often wondered if there was anything he could do to make everything better. . . if there was one thing he could change that would make everything back to the way it was. He knew that was impossible. He knew that there was nothing he could do. There was nothing anyone could do. That was the moral of life. That was the moral of the story. You have to deal with the things that are ultimately your fault.
Relationships: TBA - Relationship
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	1. Part One.

* * *

_PART_ **ONE** _OF_ **THREE**.

* * *


	2. Chapter 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things worth noting ;; this takes a dive into harassment, joshua and wonwoo's internalized homophobia, slight classism toward jihyo's family, and joshua's abuse.

_**one.** _

Joshua Hong had done a bunch of stupid shit that would come back to bite him in the ass one day. For now, he decided that throwing a water bottle at his half-brother was one of those things, but Joshua didn’t acknowledge it. Whenever Junhee would ask him if he knew anything about the water poured all over him, he would play dumb and shrug and tell him to ask one of the girls -- because at school, the girls knew everything, and they all liked him. They would never tell anyone about the awful things he did behind his brother’s bag, including pretending to stick a finger up his throat and gag whenever he spoke.

In Joshua’s mind, Junhee was simply the evil boy who threw him off the balcony at their kindergarten and broke his arm when they were six years old and met for the first time. _This is your brother_ , their father had said . . . AKA Joshua was the brother who would inherit everything when their father would die, so Joshua simply tilted his head and smiled, almost condescendingly. “Hello,” He’d said and walked away as soon as Junhee opened his mouth to speak. His father _had_ always told him to never speak to anyone who was very evidently below you. Maybe that’s why Joshua picked on people and pulled on girls’ braids and giggled whenever he did so.

They still liked him. They thought he had a crush on them.

Would Joshua say that was a proper way to treat a lady? Of course not. He’d never treat his mother like that, but he’d been dared to multiple times by Lee Jihoon and Yoon Jeonghan. Meanwhile, Jung Chaeyeon and Park Jihyo would tell them to stop while laughing, shaking their heads, while Jeon Wonwoo looked up from his book, shook his head and called them _fucking idiots_.

“Oh, Wonwoo, do you speak to your mother with that mouth?” Joshua would tease and wink playfully before going back to teasing the girls at the front of the classroom, palm under his chin as he pretended to listen to whatever drama or idol group they were interested in now, nodding along, as he says, _Well, I’m interested in SNSD. . ._ and wait for the girls to give them one of their pretty stationary pens, which he would then brag about to the group. There had been many incidents where the girls he spoke to would catch on, but knowing Joshua’s charming personality, he could quite literally get away with anything.

There was also that he had money. A lot of money.

The Hongs lived in a neighborhood in Daechi-dong in Gangnam-gu in Seoul, surrounded by busy streets and real estate agencies and businesses. It was so busy to the point that Joshua could simply look out the window of the penthouse and see people walking past, despite being more than fifty floors up. He would cringe and often say -- _Isn’t it odd that people need to work?_

To that, his father would reply, “You don’t get anywhere without working, Jisoo.”

And then Joshua would sigh and drape himself over the couch. “Dad, Mom doesn’t work outside of home.” Some misogynistic comment about how a woman belongs in the kitchen would slip out and Joshua would simply stare, knowing his mother was more capable than simply being a housewife. And thankfully, despite his father’s demands, by _doesn’t work outside of home_ , it simply meant that Hong Jiah had an office at home. As if his mother would ever allow someone as cowardly as Hong Kijoon to control her.

Hong Kijoon, however, could control as much as he wanted. Including every school Joshua ever attended. When your family funded the schools you attended, you could practically get in anywhere with no trouble -- test required, or not. How lucky Joshua was to not be musically talented, so he hadn’t been forced to go to one of those intense performing arts high schools. There was absolutely no way his father would rig him into getting into one of those.

It wasn’t that Joshua Hong was dumb either; he just didn’t like to study. Also getting into those schools made his mother love him more than she already did -- which was a lot. Imagine the love that went through her veins when he got into exclusive schools, such as the schools Hong Industries put their money into. It wasn’t a secret to his classmates either, especially not when they could see Wonwoo and Joshua switching scantrons when Joshua didn’t study the night before. It wasn’t too often, but it was often enough for other students to catch on. However, if they threatened to say anything, Joshua would bribe them into not speaking a word.

If there was one thing Joshua was afraid of, it was his father, and he knew if he ever got caught, it would be bad for him, as well as the fact that he did not want his mother to be disappointed in him. But he and Wonwoo were close and had been since their fourth year of elementary school; there were times when Wonwoo spent the night and their fingertips would touch during dinner and Joshua would blush and pull his hand back and just smile, while his mother tried to figure it out -- that fucking _smile_. Maybe that was disappointing his mother.

Maybe that’s why Wonwoo didn’t come over anymore.

His relationship with the others was different. He had a family-like relationship with Jeonghan and Jihyo; they were like his siblings, and he would do anything to protect them. The same sense of protectiveness came in with Jihoon and Chaeyeon, but it felt . . . different with them, too. Not as intense as with Wonwoo, but the feeling was still there and lingering. It was weird to him. Very weird. He always brushed off those feelings, however. With Chaeyeon and Jihoon, he was able to. With Wonwoo, not so much. He hated it. A lot.

Too much.

To the point where when Wonwoo slammed his book onto the cafeteria table, Joshua nearly gagged.

“This kid I’m tutoring is pissing me off,” Wonwoo says and Joshua flinches slightly before furrowing his eyebrows and tilting his head.

“What’s wrong with them?” Joshua asks as he takes a sip of his orange juice, not making eye contact with the boy in front of him, instead looking at the direction Jihyo was in. She shrugs, as if he was looking at her for an answer, as if he had asked, “Do you know why?” She was the only one who knew about Joshua’s . . . whatever feelings for Wonwoo. Out of disgust and embarrassment, Joshua had never told anyone, except for the person he knows would never judge him. None of them would, but with Jihyo, they had that kind of special connection. It felt nice.

Wonwoo sighs, “He’s this tall guy who thinks he owns the world, and he can’t do a simple algebraic equation!”

“Maybe he has dyscalculia?” Jeonghan suggests.

“Maybe he’s just lazy, like this one over here,” Wonwoo says and smacks the back of Joshua’s head.

“Hey!” Joshua glares. “I’m not lazy, I’m just too good for this school.”

And that’s not true. Hwaseong High School was the best school in all of South Korea. All students had to take a 100 question test for each subject, and needed a grade of a B or higher to get accepted; they got in with either a scholarship, or a five million won cost for each year. Hong Industries funded the school -- every penny going to Hwaseong High School easily went into Hong Industries a lot of the time, but most of the time, it was the opposite.

“Jisoo, do we have to remind you of the reason you even got into this school?”

Joshua frowns when Jihyo uses his name, and the unneeded reminder. “I told you only my mother is allowed to call me that, Jihyo!” It wasn’t even a bad reason. What could a fourteen year old boy do anyway? It wasn’t like he was capable of blackmailing the administration, or the Hwaseong High School Board of Parents into accepting him. No, he got in entirely based on his brains.

Jihyo rolls her eyes.

“You know, they’re gonna get stuck one day,” Joshua comments.

“I can’t wait until you get kicked out,” Jihyo responds.

“So you want me to be a disappointment to my mother? I see how it is, Jihyo.”

“You will not believe what just happened to Chaeyeon!” Jihoon comes in, breathing heavily with Chaeyeon chasing after him, screaming, “Don’t tell them! Do not tell them!” Instead of listening, Jihoon goes into a long conversation -- which Chaeyeon keeps interrupting -- about how one of the fourth years of Hwaseong had tried to grab her bag for practice later and she kicked them in the shin. He supposes the reason Chaeyeon had told Jihoon not to tell anyone was because she knew Jihyo would go sock the boy who made Chaeyeon uncomfortable in the face, and Joshua could tell with the way she was glaring.

“I mean, it wasn’t even much --”

“It’s basically harassment!” Jihyo interrupts her.

“We can get them kicked out,” Joshua nods. “My dad has connections. And if that’s not enough, I have a hitman on speed dial. Not joking.” And he wasn’t at all.

Chaeyeon waves it off, “Guys, it’s fine. I promise. You guys try to grab my bag all the time! Does that mean I’m going to report you?” That keeps Joshua quiet, but Jihyo still protests. She gets ignored. “Exactly,” She sighs. “Has anyone done the homework for Teacher Hwang? I got home late from practice last night, and I wasn’t able to do it.”

Jihyo pulls out her work and hands it over to Chaeyeon, “Here. But we’re going to talk later, do you hear me?”

The other girl lets out another sigh and nods, expecting it either way. Jihyo always protected Chaeyeon and she knew this. They all knew it. It was the same way Wonwoo protected Joshua and the same way Jihoon protected . . . well, all of them. Jihoon rarely showed it as much as Jihyo and Joshua did, but he cared about them so much he would kill for one of them. Which is why by hitman, Joshua meant Jihoon.

When the bell rings and lunch is over, Joshua swiftly rushes over to Wonwoo and smiles up at him. “I’m going to the arcade later and then with Jihyo. Wanna come with?”

“I can’t,” Wonwoo grimaces. “Tutoring.”

Joshua frowns. “I can’t believe you’re ditching again for someone who clearly doesn’t want to be in your presence! You know who wants to be in your presence? Me,” He pauses. “And Jihyo, of course. You hardly hang out with us anymore, we don’t even know who your mystery boy is. Are you in love with him?”

“That’s disgusting, Joshua, please. Boys can’t date boys.”

“Very homophobic of you to say,” Joshua raises a brow.

“I mean, _I_ can’t date boys,” groans Wonwoo. And yes, Joshua knows this. His brother would murder him in front of everybody. And that was not an exaggeration, unfortunately. “And you know I wouldn’t fall in love with a boy that giant.”

Tilting his head, Joshua asks, “Because it’ll be a competition?” When Wonwoo doesn’t reply and simply glares, the older throws his head back. “Come on! Lee Seokmin’s gonna be there and I know Soonyoung’s your friend. Maybe they can get you a job there, too, so you don’t have to tutor anymore.”

“I don’t tutor for money.”

“You do it for morality?” Joshua is confused.

“It looks good on college applications,” Wonwoo confesses.

After a while of standing there, taking in his words and pressing his lips together, Joshua simply nods and skips along to catch up with Wonwoo’s pace, snaking his arm to loop around his. A sigh escapes, “You know, Wonwoo . . . you never come over anymore. Makes me very sad. The least you can do is come over for dinner on Friday. I’ll even get the maid to make whatever dish you want. Just for you. Father is on a business trip anyway.”

Wonwoo doesn’t want to be rude and it’s obvious. His mouth is twitching into an awkward smile, so Joshua just drops it with a small sigh. “Fine. I’ll just text you,” says Joshua before unwrapping his arm from Wonwoo’s and walking into his next class with a small pout, not taking his usual seat in the front, but going to the very back of the class.

The boy in front of him turns around to ask for a pencil.

And that classmate is just lucky Joshua wasn’t angry enough to throw it at him.

. . .

“God, Wonwoo just makes me so angry sometimes!”

Sitting in a room, surrounded by pink walls, and doing your best friend’s hair was certainly also enough to make a boy like Joshua angry. He’d never liked pink. He liked light blues. He brushes Jihyo’s hair with her brush, while Jihoon and Jeonghan are laying on her bed -- one of them asleep, the other flipping through a magazine, or scrolling through his phone; Joshua couldn’t tell. All he knew was Wonwoo wasn’t picking up any of their texts or phone calls.

 _From [Joshua] to [Wonwoo]_ Can you answer?

 _From [Joshua] to [Wonwoo]_ Ugh. What is the deal with this boy anyway?!

 _From [Joshua] to [Wonwoo]_ I’m sure he wouldn’t mind you missing one session!

“Have you ever thought about the fact that you’re spoiled, Joshua?” Jeonghan speaks and earns a brush to the stomach. “See? When somebody calls you out on something, you resort to acting like a brat. And don’t protest against it because you’ll sound even more like a brat. Maybe it’s because you’re the youngest of us, but --”

And there went the rubberband.

Jihyo groans. “Can we go one day without you two acting like total jerks?” She whisper-yells, “Jihoon is asleep, can’t you see, or are you two so caught up in your own thing that you don’t care anymore?”

Joshua stares at Jihyo and debates whether to argue with her, or not. Deciding he didn’t want to go back home, he simply gets the brush back from the bed and starts to brush through Jihyo’s hair again. “Have you ever thought about cutting it, or are you going for the Rapunzel vibe? Is it to impress Seokmin?” He can already feel her glaring at him. “I’m joking -- please don’t go all Evil Jihyo on me ‘cause I can’t afford to lose you and Wonwoo on the same day.”

“You’re being so fucking dramatic for no reason.”

“My best friend betrayed me for a cute boy.”

“Wonwoo’s just tutoring people; that cute boy only means something to him if it’s for his college application,” Jeonghan shakes his head, not looking up from his magazine, which he’d picked up to start reading again. “And I heard he’s not even that cute.”

“What’s his name?” Joshua asks.

“No idea, but it’s not you, O’ Arrogant One,” He knows Jeonghan just rolled his eyes. He holds back his comments. “You know he’s allowed to have other friends, right? He’s Soonyoung’s friend, you have no problem with that. Besides, Wonwoo isn’t even gay. So your gay lover fantasies aren’t going anywhere, Jisoo.”

Joshua cringes. The thought of anything slightly romantic happening with Wonwoo made him feel sick. One would say it’s because that’s exactly how Joshua felt, but no. He just knew his father would kick him out if he did as much as hug Wonwoo -- maybe that’s why Joshua never actually hugged him. The most he did was give him a side hug, or link their arms together. He couldn’t tell what was worse.

Besides, he was only fourteen. Turning fifteen in a couple of months. What did he know about the whole gay thing?

“I’m not gay,” He simply grumbles and goes back to forming a simple braid on Jihyo’s hair. “Maybe you’re the gay one ‘cause that’s all you fucking talk about.”

Jeonghan doesn’t reply. Jihyo stays silent. The entire room is silent for a few moments, aside from Jihoon’s snores. And then they continue talking like nothing ever happened. With their friendship group -- you either forget anything was said, or you simply ignored it until it went away. Especially if it was something personal. If it was something personal, you did both, and nobody ever spoke about it, unless you were ready.

In this case, the room remained silent until Jihyo’s father knocked on the door, causing Jihoon to wake up with a small gasp. Everybody turned around to look at him before he sighed sleepily and closed his eyes, getting comfortable again. The three looked up at Jihyo’s father before they were told that Joshua’s own had come home from his trip early and was waiting for him outside.

“But Jeonghan’s mother was going to take me home,” Joshua speaks softly as he grabs his stuff from the floor with a small frown. Tension was usually high whenever his father came over to pick him up from Jihyo’s. So much that he didn’t say a word to any of his friends, and simply walked out the front door. He doesn’t say a word as he gets in the car, shoving his book bag into the backseat and pulling out his phone.

Not even five seconds pass by until Hong Kijoon takes the phone from his hands and tosses it to the back. He doesn’t even try to fight it, knowing he wasn’t allowed in the Parks’ household. For now, the punishment was his phone taken away. He still had his laptop at home, luckily. “What did I say about hanging out with that Park girl?” Here comes the lecture.

“Only in school property,” Joshua replies boredly.

A slap to the face once they reach a red light. No reaction.

“What did I tell you about hanging out with anyone who isn’t the Yoons’ son?”

“Something dramatic about how all they want is my money,” Another bored reply, but this time, they weren’t at a red light, so Joshua’s father couldn’t do anything. “I really don’t understand your logic, sir. If I can’t hang out with people who just want my money, why am I allowed to go to school?”

“Don’t play smart with me, Jisoo,” Joshua wins; he stops a smile from forming on his lips, instead pressing them together. “I’m asking for this one thing.”

“You’ve asked me this about a thousand times since I started kindergarten, father. It was your choice to put me in a kindergarten with her in the first place,” Joshua shrugs. “If anyone’s at fault, it’s you.”

And okay, yeah, that slap, he did deserve. The rest of the car ride from Anyang to Gangnam is quiet, aside from the same lecture Joshua’s heard a million times. _Don’t hang out with Jihyo. She’s bad news. Her father has asked me for money countless times before. This is why I didn’t want you to become friends with people who are lesser than you. Maybe I should’ve just put you and Junhee in a private school lecturing._

Same. Conversation. Over. And. Over.

Joshua was just tired at this point.

When they get home, the elevator ride is quiet, too. They don’t quite hear anything from each other, unless one of the other residents was greeting them. He’s glaring literal daggers into the hand of his father’s that is clutching tightly onto his phone. _Had Wonwoo texted him yet? Was everything okay with Jeonghan? Had he_ upset _Jeonghan?_ As soon as the elevator dings in their penthouse, he lets out a sigh of relief and rushes inside, looking to see if his mother was in the kitchen.

“Jisoo?” His mother’s soft voice calls out. “Jisoo, why are you home so early?”

Joshua points to his father and shakes his head. “He took my phone, too,” He whispers. “Whatever, it’s fine, Mom, I promise. Don’t fight with him.” A sigh escapes his lips and he goes to his room, dropping his bookbag on the floor and lays down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He can’t tell if he wants to scream or yell -- God, maybe he was a spoiled brat. Something as simple as his phone being taken away had made his heart hurt.

That evening, the family had had one of the best dinners in the entirety of their years as a family. Joshua couldn’t tell if his father was simply asking for forgiveness, or if this was just a setup for something worse to come. Instead of questioning it out loud, he took his phone back with a smile and a _Thank you, father_ , and pocketed it, making sure his father couldn’t grab it again

“Did you like dinner tonight, Jisoo?” His mother asks as she smooths his hair and he nods.

Breakfast for dinner -- his absolute favorite. She only made it on special occasions, so she wondered what this occasion was going to be. A surprise fifteenth birthday in December? That would be fun. He makes a joke in his head, something about this being like a last supper, and giggles to himself, shaking his head and plays with his fingers as he lays his head on his mother’s lap.

“You make the best waffles, mom,” He whispers lightly.

“Just for you, baby,” His mother says and his smile grows wide. Her only son, her love, her everything. She’d told her she lived just for him; she did everything for him. How could he not be eternally grateful for her? She’d endured so much just to give her the best life possible. “You should head off to bed now.”

Joshua pouts. “But we don’t have school tomorrow! It would be useless, I wanna spend time with you. And Dad, maybe. If he wants to.”

That slight sliver of hope that always coursed through his veins of his father loving him; he’s an idiot. He’d always known that, but it makes it more evident when he convinces himself of it on days like these, where he would punish him simply for hanging out with his friends. When he was older, his ideas were clear -- he would move out of here, bring his mother along, and although he would need to take over Hong Industries, he would do it on his own terms, not on his father’s.

How foolish he was to believe a silly little thing like that.

His mother kisses his forehead, “Off to bed now, Jisoo.”

Joshua sighs, “Goodnight, mom.”


End file.
